An honest life

In December 2023 I saw the video of a friend getting baptized. At that moment I knew I was looking at something true. It was the starting point of what I believed was my conversion to Christianity. The gospel of John also resonated with me beautifully. It was like it was written for me. And after that I started visiting a local church. They did Bible studies and ´beginner´ courses, which eventually led to my own baptism.

During my baptism I had the awful feeling that I was lying to everybody present. The pastor said something on the lines of ‘she is choosing with her whole heart’ and I was cringing inside, because my heart was full of doubt. I didn’t have the courage to back out in front of the entire church. On the other side I had the thought that it might just be the devil. There was one aspect of the day that gave me some hope and that was my father. He was standing in the front, absorbed in what was happening to his little girl. And I still tear up at the memory. In his eyes it was all true. In his eyes I was fully immersed in the water and choosing with my whole heart. And that made it true for me too.

Of course, the day passed by and life went on. The moment of my baptism never left me and in my memory the lie has become bigger again. I hardly talk about my faith with my father and the expected deep life change seems to be missing. Maybe I just don’t see it. But I’ve watched youtube video after youtube video and read a ton of books. About the gospel, about true conversion versus false conversion and all things faith related. And though I carefully made notes and annotated my books the big life change still won’t come.

I feel I don’t realize the reality of God enough, of His plans, what sin means to Him, what Christ did for us and the meaning of grace. I know it. I believe it, I think. (My brother asked me once: do you think or do you believe? For as far as I know he isn’t converted, though I’ve tried planting seeds. This question made me wonder if he understands faith better than I do.) But I’m just not sure about my salvation, I’m not sure if I repented right, I’m not sure if I even want to be with Jesus, I’m not sure about my heart, I’m not sure if I’m all in, etcetera.

So, what am going to do? I’m going to dive all in. But I’m not just diving into the Bible. I’m diving into the questions, into the doubts. I’m watching youtube video’s about people who left Christianity. I’m watching Richard Dawkins and Alex O’Connor. I’m taking the risk of losing my faith altogether. Maybe that’s the step of faith I need to take right now. And maybe I have the answer to my questions in my hand right at this moment, but we’ll see.